As I lay here in our nest I think about all the beautiful moments we've shared. I keep telling myself that there is no need to cry anymore, but the tears won't stop flowing. Your sweet scent lingers on my skin and I can't help but lament this cruel fate. I keep picturing you smiling and pushing yourself up against me for a kiss and then the image of myself transforms into someone else and GOD does this hurt!  I thought I was a strong person; I haven't cried so vehemently in years. I want a cigarette.  I can't eat. I can only sleep peacefully when I'm beside you, breathing you in.  I've been here before long ago and despair has increased by the trillions.  I am only yours.  I can't even say that I belong to myself.  Of all the difficult, beautiful things I strive to obtain in my life being with you is equal with it all.  I know other things should be more important, but without you those things lose value.  No matter what I do or where I am my soul is entangled with yours. So you see, I can't not think about you constantly. You are one of the true things in my life that has kept me alive.  I know that is a beastly burden.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry that I love you so much.  I'm sorry that this is so hard for me.  I'm sorry that I can't stand the idea of you being with someone else, even if it's innocent. I'm sorry if I made you feel like I cared more about my Self than your Self. I'm sorry that I wasn't all I could be for you.  That hurts the most. I could have been so much better.


I've been thinking too much about you; see the sunset with no sleep at all.  Constantly thinking about you and I can't get through this at all. I've been thinking too much about you, staring at the floor.


My window is open and the people next door are working on their house.  I'm sure they are wondering why that person next door is crying so hard. I want to rip myself to pieces and rebuild.  I cannot live fully without you.  FUCK!  That is such a pathetic statement, but I'm telling you that not much else is closer to the truth.  You make me feel like nothing I've ever felt before.  I'm so fucking furious with myself for overanalyzing stupid, petty things about you and us because now that it's gone all I can think about is how amazing it ALL was.  I could have been so much better for you.  Forgive me - I'm only growing.  I know what I have to do for me and I know what I want to do for me.  I want to wander from town to city exploring all that I can, learning as much as I can, teaching as much as I can.  I hate this system of money and power and greed.  There is so much to be had and the greedy have sucked most of it up.  I want to take a back pack and just go where ever the road takes me.  


My stomach is so tangled I feel close to puking. I can hear you in my mind saying, "Calm down, shhhh, relax, breath!"  I can't breath. My breaths are erratic gasps between violent weeps. Did I mention how pathetic I am?


This is living versus surviving for me. I want to live vibrantly, but it seems that all I can do now is sustain air and focus on I've been born into.  I don't want to feed the corporate system.  And as violently as I oppose doing what I should do I'm going to have to do it if I want to live in a utopian bubble.


- There is no utopia without you!-


The blankets and pillows smell like you.  I'd wear your clothes just to be closer to you.  I know I'm pathetic.  I just love you.  That's all. I hope you meant it when you said last night that no matter what you'll always be in love with me.


I've been crying for so long now that the hair close to my face is hard with dried salt.


I don't care about the petty things anymore and I don't see how I did in the first place.  That isn't who I am.  I don't know what I'm going to do with myself when I can't see you anymore.  I don't want to think about that.  I want to think of the intensity of our interactions that started last night and ended around 10.00 am today.  We have had so many beautiful moments.  I can only share myself like I do with you with only you. You have opened me up in so many ways.  I told you I was growing.  My little petals have shifted towards your light.  Do you see how you have helped me blossom?  There are so many intense, astounding moments dancing around in my mind.  And they were all so simple.  I always meant it when I said that I was always happy every time we would lie down for bed. Just being in your arms makes life so much sweeter. I'm sorry I'm such a sappy piece of a woman.  Yeah, I'm finally starting to see myself as a woman and not just a little girl.  But I'm so scared.  I'm terrified.  My little stalk grew and grew and I kept saying I was growing without noticing what had already happened.  I started loving you as a child and now that I am a young WOMAN my feelings have only grown with me.  


When I say I will never stop loving you I'm not just saying it in the heat of the moment.  There will never be anyone like you and if there was a chance for it I wouldn't want it.  I will always truly want you.  I hope that this works out for the better in the long run.  I don't want to grow without you!  You were never stagnate.  I can't say that at times I wasn't a little bored, but that's life.  I'd rather be bored with you and realize how silly that is than be bored with myself and my life and realize that I threw the best thing I ever had away.  I have so much to say and it's all far too late to change anything.  It may sound cruel, but I don't think anyone will care for you as much as I do.  I don't mean that negatively.  I just know it's true.  No one will come close to me.  No one can outshine me.  I'll be the best you've ever had and I don't mean that egotistically.  I think you know it's true too.  


I can't stop typing.  I've kept myself from writing about you for so long.  I wanted to write about something else that I really cared about, but I wanted to relive moments with you instead. At least you know that I will have plenty to write about.  I've started writing things in my head before, but I would just smile and tell myself to live in the moment.  It isn't as though I'm completely hopeless.  There are plenty of other things in this world for me to occupy my time with.  Just know that I prefer you in the mix.


Your scent on my skin keeps throwing me off.


I've finally stopping crying.  It's been a long time since that much water has flowed from my eyes. Two hours?  I'm dehydrated! I must say that I am extraordinarily happy that we can still be together without being.  I always will be irrevocably connected to you.  I'm still not sure how to have you but not have you simultaneously. It's like having a cake and being able to eat only a little when you want to savor all of it. I hope you enjoy yourself and that you find what you're looking for.  I may be on the back burner, but dammit I'm still here. I'm boiling ferociously; I'll try to simmer instead.